Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Judgmental Dwarf

When I wake up in the morning,
I see a mean old dwarf hovering over me.
He’s chubby with a long white beard,
And he wears denim overalls and a purple hat.
“You are very ugly right now,” he says.
His beady black eyes cut into me.
“You should get out of bed,” he says.
As I brush my teeth,
He leans in close on the counter top,
His wrinkled face inches from mine.
“Your teeth are slightly yellow,” he says.
I make a bowl of fruit loops cereal,
And he examines it closely.
“What a lazy unhealthy breakfast,” he says.
His beard dips in the milk.
“Your cereal is hairy now,” he says.
“That’s disgusting.”
He sits in the passenger seat
While I drive to school,
His feet barely reach the seat’s edge.
“You left your blinker on,” he says.
“You drive like an old person.”
At school, he sits in the desk next to me,
Peering over at my exam scantron.
“Those answers are mostly wrong,” he says.
“You did not study enough, did you?”
I talk to a girl at a coffee shop,
And he cranes his neck to listen
Nearly tumbling out of his chair.
“You’re not very witty,” he says.
“She’s not going to have sex with you.”
At home, I curl up with a book to read.
He looks at the book’s title,
Licking his teeth and pursing his lips.
“That book received poor reviews,” he says.
“You have terrible taste in literature.”
As I fall asleep, he sits on my chest,
Listing my negative personality traits
And insulting my physical appearance.
Days pass, then weeks, then months,
And I stop getting out of bed in the morning.
I hide under the sheets and plug my ears.
I try to ignore the dwarf,
But I can feel his weight on my chest.
He’s waiting for me to do something,
Waiting for a glimpse of my face,
Waiting to judge me.

1 comment:

  1. i enjoyed reading this so much that i laughed

    softly and hoarsely.

    because my roommate is sleeping and i have been repeatedly awoken by the sound of my upstairs neighbor laughing maniacally in the wee hours of the morning. he also shouts angrily and punches things.

    finally i pay him a visit; he pokes his head out the door and politely greets me. i ask him if everything is ok; he says no. as if 'boink!' forgetting our manners! he asks me if i would like to come in and have a glass of water, while he explains his mental breakdown, the result of an unstable friendship with an unstable girl he fancies. after holding an empty glass for some time i excuse myself, as it is now past 4am and i have class in the morning. he invites me to a party the next day. i don't go. he does quiet down eventually though.

    because as the beard dips his beard into your cereal my funny bone is most pointedly tickled, and as i start to let out the beginnings of a chortle, i remember my neighbor.

    because my lungs and throat hurt. i quit smoking months ago and i feel like i smoked 3 packs today. i am taking a jogging class, today we did a fitness test. i am very out of shape. one portion of the test involves running to a dance track, 30 yards for every time the techno bell rings. once you fail to make it to the line twice you quit. that is your score.

    well i cheated. see, when the instructor explained this, her voice, in the massive room that is the gymnasium, was rendered so muddy by its own reverberations that although i cupped my ears, all i could make out was 'if__don't__get___line__intime__justkeep__more__andthats__justkeep__score__ok?

    So with tobacco scarred lungs being sandblasted from the inside i kept running. and kept running. when will this cd end? surely, at 20 laps. no? heh. surely at 25. ok. i can do this. 25. hooh. hooh. hooooooohhhhh. 23. 24. 25. HooH! NO?? surely 30. hoh. hoh. 26 oh god please be 30?? hehhh. heeehhhh. heh. hoh. hohohohohaw. 27 hoh. god 'im beinglapped by girls hooh. hoh. hoh. hoh. 28. ff. f.ff. f. ff. 29. oh baby! hoooooohhooooohhhoooohhh. 30!!!! woohoooohhhhoooohhhh. hoooh. oh god...

    made it to 35 before i notice that over half of the class had already left. i think i failed at lap 22.

    hoarsely i thank you.