I Eat Found Things

God's Judgment

One day, a man came up to heaven to be judged by God. The man had murdered a family of five with a steak knife, dismembered their bodies with large hedgeclippers, encased each of them in bathtubs full of cement, and then buried the bathtubs deep underground at a nearby quarry. There was no motive. The only reason police arrested him was because he filmed the whole thing and posted it on youtube. Needless to say, God looked at his list of sins, and was disappointed in his creation.

"You violated one of my commandments," said God. "Thou shalt not kill. You violated it five times. That's pretty bad. It looks like you're going to hell."

"Wait!" said the man. "Why should I go to hell? You created me, knowing that I would kill those people. You gave me the drive to murder people and took away my self-restraint."

"Yes, but everyone has free will," said God.

"Not if you know what's going to happen. Not if you set me on a path, knowing what I'm going to do."

"Okay, but--wait, I'm confused. What?"

"You gave me the personality flaws that led to me murdering people, so if anyone should go to hell, it should be YOU."

"Hmm," said God. "This is an interesting idea. I will have to think about this."

He stroked his long white beard, thinking long and hard. Then he grabbed the man with a whale sized fist, and gobbled him up.

"Nom nom nom," said God. "Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom yum."