The slow loris is—and this is incontrovertible—the cutest living creature on the face of this planet. Its eerily gargantuan eyes seem to stare into your soul. Its tiny human-like hands are simultaneously creepy and adorable. Its owner tickles it, and it reacts like a fat kid getting a full body massage. When it sleeps, it lays sideways with arms outstretched like a drunkenly passed out frat boy. You think, ‘This is not a real animal. This is a Stan Winston animatronic device,’ but no, it is fucking real, ladies and gentleman. Never have music and images been so perfectly matched together as in this video.
Would you like a slow loris? Would you like to cradle its soft squishy body close to your chest as you fall asleep, staring into its glassy soulful eyes the size of two basketballs? I certainly did, and so I googled information about acquiring this jungle beast. Allow me to inform you on some of the characteristics of a slow loris unseen in this charming youtube video.
Slow lorises never stop pissing. Yes, the slow loris marks its territory with urine. Constantly. For the entirety of its life.
Slow lorises like to bite your fucking hand. They like to bite sometimes, so the people who kidnap them from the wild frequently rip their canines out. Unfortunately, without their canines, the slow loris can’t consume its natural foods, and so they die from self-loathing and starvation.
Slow lorises are covered in POISON. The slow loris has a smelly toxic gland on its elbow which it likes to lick. Afterward, it coats its entire body in the toxin. No big deal.
Slow lorises bite down and never let go because they want you dead, asshole. The slow loris is notorious for biting down on your hand and refusing to release its jaws. According to Wikipedia, “Animal dealers in
Southeast Asia keep tanks of water nearby so that in case of a bite, they can submerge both their arm and the slow loris to make the animal let go.” No wonder these guys have no qualms about ripping their damn teeth out.
Slow loris bites are toxic. So after licking its toxic elbow juices, the slow loris will probably bite your hand (because it hates you) which will cause a painful red swelling. No, it’s not fatal, but it will illicit a degree of trepidation.
Slow lorises die of being pissed off all the time. Being stuck in a cage all day and night stresses slow lorises out, and they hate it, so they die. It doesn’t help that they’re most active at night while owners are usually asleep or that they’re susceptible to infection and excessive bleeding due to a network of veins close to the skin. Over time, the ongoing release of potent stress hormones, illness, and intense feelings of existential despair will cause them to die.
Slow lorises are illegal to own. Maybe I should have just started with this one. Yeah, so you can’t buy them unless you know a shady motherfucker in the Phillipines. Even then, they’re endangered, so the karmic retribution from the universe would be severe. For me, it’s enough just watching the youtube videos over and over until the voices in my head stop screaming.