I Eat Found Things

Hollywood Blockbuster

When our family’s Christmas home video

Was released in movie theaters across America,

I sat in the back rows of each screening,

And watched everyone watch me

Open my presents.

I receive a Cinemark gift card from Gamma,

And the audience roars with applause.

I receive a gray polo shirt from Sean,

And the audience whistles and shouts.

I receive a pair of skeleton gloves and a fake moustache,

And the audience shrieks and bangs their heads together.

I drink eggnog and blink intensely at the camera,

And the audience jumps to their feet.

An old woman begins weeping.

A teenage girl passes out cold.

A boy shits himself with joy.

They can’t stop clapping.

It wins every Oscar,

Even the one for best foreign film,

Even the one for best animated film,

Even the one for best adapted screenplay.

And even the one for best special effects

This is a story I tell myself

When I’m editing my family’s home videos.

Is it really so ridiculous?

I’d go see your family’s home video.

After all, even a trillion dollar budget

Can’t buy honesty.