Knowledge

The day approaches

When I will know more

About the Marvel Universe

Than the actual universe,

The day when someone asks,

“What is the Purple Man’s power?”

And I say, “Mind control,”

The day when someone asks,

“What is Nick Fury’s clone’s name?”

And I say, “It’s Max Fury of course,”

The day when someone asks,

“Who are Spider-Man’s clones?”

And I say, “Kaine and Ben Reilly.”

The day when someone asks,

“What are the laws of motion?”

And I stare off into the void,

Lost in a world I don’t understand,

Terrified of what I’ve become,

What I’ll never be again.

I will be reading poetry at UNT on Friday, March 11 from 5:30pm to 8:30pm. I don't know the room number yet, but I hope they figure it out soon.

The headline act is this guy Buddy Wakefield.

His readings are intense and energetic. He doesn't subscribe to the "awkward deadpan" school of poetry reading like I do.

The Haunting

Some houses are haunted by murder victims,

Civil war soldiers, or melancholy brides.

My house is haunted by cavemen.

I wake to guttural voices,

And four Neanderthals cower around my bed,

Clearly disturbed by my clock radio.

I try to communicate with them

Using hand gestures, basic sign language.

They only shriek at me and wave their arms.

When I’m making pancakes in the kitchen,

They poke at the flame with see-through fingers,

And try to grab the pan with hands made of smoke.

I can’t turn the TV on because they hate it.

They think it’s a portal to the afterlife.

They think Everybody Loves Raymond is hell.

I brought in a famous TV psychic

To explain why they haunt my house.

He said they were terrified of my ipod dock.

I pressed him for more information.

He said they were terrified of electricity.

Also, fire, carpet, and the golden retriever.

He shrugged his shoulders,

And said they don’t speak English.

Then he went home.

All day and all night, they shriek and hoot and squeal.

They run around the house naked, flailing, wide eyed.

It’s not scary, but it’s very distracting.

Giraffe

If we can breed man-eating wolves

Into yippy dogs the size of pigeons,

Surely we can take giraffes from Africa,

And breed a smaller domesticated version

That can sleep in my laundry room at night,

Peer over the fence at neighbors,

And give me rides to and from class.

Let it dream of roaming the savannah,

Plucking leaves from the tallest tree,

And kicking lions with legs like flagpoles.

Let it long for a world it could never live in,

Where a coyote couldn’t slip into the yard,

And snap its long neck with one bite,

Where a human couldn’t leap on its back

And ride it around like a damn horse,

Where all giraffes weren’t forcibly neutered

For reasons never fully understood.

Where is my mini-giraffe?

Where is it?

Bargain Bin Rats

Pay attention, America.

There is a sale on rats.

All rats in America are on sale.

These rats are on sale for ten dollars.

These rats are bargain bin rats.

These rats are clearance rats.

These rats are discount rats.

These rats are previously owned rats.

For the price of a Playstation 3,

You can have forty rats.

You can have a Playstation 3

Or you can have forty rats

Watch the rats run

Around your living room,

Around your sister’s bedroom.

Around your parents’ refrigerator.

Cash in your parents’ life insurance policy,

And buy ten thousand rats.
Ten thousand rats or a new house.

You can have a new house or ten thousand rats.

What are you going to name all your rats?

This rat is Chester.

This rat is Samantha.

This rat is Christopher.

This rat is Brian.

This rat is Janice.

This rat is Tyrone.

This rat is Marcel.

This rat is Pasha.

This rat is William S. Burroughs.

This rat is Dakota Fanning.

This rat is Glitter.

This rat is Sparkle.

This rat is James Bond.

This rat is Horse.

Would you like your rats in a bag?

Do you need special rat food?

You don’t need special rat food.

All food is rat food.

Give the rats all your food.

Bake ten thousand cakes

And give them to your rats.

Ten thousand cakes for ten thousand rats.

You can have ten thousand cakes or ten thousand rats.

How could you afford not to buy these rats?

All rats are twenty five percent off.

All rats are fifty percent off.

All rats are seventy five percent off.

All rats are free rats.

Take all of our rats.

That’s ten thousand rats.

We’ll ship the rats to your house.

We have special rat crates.

The special rat crates are made of Styrofoam.

Watch out for biting rats.

Biting rats may bite your other rats.

All rats are biting rats.

Please enjoy your rats.

This is from a poetry reading several months ago at Dan's Silverleaf. My delivery is flawless. You're welcome.